Self-trust is determined by how much you can rely on yourself, which is defined by how you treat yourself. In other words, self-trust is the result (the output), of your relationship with yourself (the input). Unless you change the input, you cannot expect the output to change.

So, if you want to improve self-trust, you must start improving your relationship with yourself.

Current Input: A neglectful, avoidant, or abusive relationship with yourself
= Current Output: No self-trust

Required Input: A caring, supportive, and loving relationship with yourself
= Desired Output: Higher levels of self-trust

Your Relationship with Yourself

To improve your relationship with yourself, first, you must be aware of the two: 1. How It Operates Now and 2. How It Can Operate Better.

1. How It Operates Now

Based on the assumption of a “you” who doesn’t have much self-trust, let’s examine a day in life.

You wake up feeling uneasy, stressed, and overwhelmed. “I don’t have time for this,” you think, ignoring your emotions and moving on with the necessities of the day. This doesn’t make you feel any better, but it doesn’t matter as long as you function.

Later in the day, you make a mistake at work. “Oh, why am I not surprised?! I’m so stupid,” you say to yourself, determined to make yourself pay for this.

The workday comes to an end. You feel disappointed in yourself. You’re annoyed by your human nature. You grab some junk food on your way home, although you know how terrible it makes you feel afterward. “After all, that’s what I deserve,” you confess to yourself.

2. How It Can Operate Better

You don’t change your inner workings by staying the same person. You must be open to seeing things in a different light and alter your behaviors accordingly.

So, let me present an alternative approach to how you view yourself.

Consider yourself as two people: one as the caregiver and the other as the one who relies on the care provided by the caregiver. In other words, there exists a parent and a child within you, continuously interacting with one another.

The child, let’s say a little girl, has fundamental needs to be healthy and happy, including consistent care, attention, and love. As a caregiver, you must feed her when she’s hungry, soothe her when she’s distressed, and express unconditional love to the best of your ability. How predictable you are in meeting her needs defines your reliability and the health of your relationship.

Now, let’s reimagine the day we examined earlier through the caregiver-child dynamic.

The little girl wakes up feeling distressed. As a caregiver, you ask her what’s wrong and if there’s anything you can do to help her feel better. You don’t say, “We don’t have time for this honey, just suck it up.” Because you know that would make her think that she’s not worthy of attention and make her feel even worse.

Later in the day, she makes a mistake. “Oh, I’m stupid,” she cries. You go there and help her revise her approach, “No, baby, you just made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. Let’s try to understand why you made it. Maybe you’re distracted due to stress or you lack information. What do you think happened?” You wouldn’t confirm her unreasonable conviction about her intelligence due to one mistake and give her a hard time for it.

Towards the end of the day, the little girl feels bummed about something that happened that day. She asks to eat cookies and candies for dinner, but as someone who cares for her, you say no and gently explain why. You make her understand that her body deserves nutritious food, and that this will also help her feel better. You wouldn’t promote her unproductive coping mechanism by allowing her to eat food that further exacerbates her negative mood.

The Change

The goal is to move from “How It Operates Now” to “How It Can Operate Better.” That is changing your relationship with yourself from neglectful, avoidant, or abusive to caring, supportive, and loving by embracing the caregiver-child approach.

How?

By engaging in continuous self-observation, self-reflection, and putting learnings into practice.

Take Action: Start observing how you treat and talk to yourself through the lens of, “Am I being a good caregiver to myself right now?”

This is an effective question because it communicates the following and more: 'Am I showing up for myself in the best possible way?' 'Am I responsive to my needs?' 'Am I talking to myself as if I’m talking to my little girl?'

Regularly checking in with your attitudes and behaviors in this way will help establish self-trust and maintain the trust you work so hard to build.

Take Action: Reflect on this question, “How can I be a better caregiver to myself?”

Talking to yourself out loud or journaling are great ways to get the most out of your reflection. They can help gather valuable and honest insights that make a real difference—of course, as long as you put your learnings into practice.

The Result

As you embrace the caregiver-child approach in relating to yourself and driving your actions, you’ll build a relationship with yourself that in-sources safety, encouragement, and love. This makes you trust yourself—that is, knowing you can rely on yourself no matter what.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” 
— Virginia Woolf

Additional Notes

N1. The Difference Between Self-Care & Self-Abuse, and Their Relation to Self-Trust

The supposedly self-care practices are often used as a means to self-abuse, which negatively affects one’s self-trust.

I believe the example cases below effectively convey the message.

Case 1. When you exercise regularly and pay attention to what you eat to promote your health and well-being, this is caring. It builds self-trust.

Case 2. When you overexercise and starve your body to look a certain way, this is abusive. It undermines self-trust.

N2. Affirmations

Affirmations are a great tool to benefit from on your journey to building self-trust. However, remember: No affirmation can make a sustainable difference without aligned, persistent action.

Lastly,

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