This post addresses the differences between the expectation and the reality of overcoming addictions. It’s inspired by a conversation with one of my coaching clients with whom we’re working on quitting smoking.

Expectation:

Reality:

Truly understanding the difference between these processes is incredibly helpful for anyone who is trying to establish their freedom from any undesired dependencies.

So, let’s dive in!

Such an expectation is unrealistic.

The main reason why such an expectation is very common is the stories we hear from former addicts that go something like this: “One day I decided to stop, and that’s it! I’ve never … [their addiction] again.”

The truth is that it is never that ‘one day.’ It is 10 years + that ‘one day,’ 2 years + that ‘one day,’ or 10 months + that ‘one day.’ You get the point.

I’m not saying these people are lying or intentionally distorting their stories to sound impressive. They are describing their genuine experiences. However, once you inquire about those experiences, you get to see a whole other picture.

‘One day’ as they describe it:

‘One day’ in reality:

Such an expectation is dangerous.

Because it shifts the responsibility from the person to some divine moment—like that 'one day.'

This is also why it is quite popular. We like to believe that something external will come to find us and make us stop engaging in our addiction. 'The reason why I haven’t overcome my addiction is not me; it’s because the divine moment hasn’t happened for me, yet.'

This is an illusion that can easily captivate a person for a lifetime without yielding any real results. That's why, though comforting, such an expectation is utterly dangerous for anyone who latches onto it.

Expectation:

Reality:

The reality is less scary.

The reality expects that more than one attempt will be necessary to reach the desired destination and presents setbacks as inevitable and crucial parts of the process.

Instead of seeing overcoming addiction as taking a one-time exam that defines your life, you start seeing it as a process that unfolds over time through acquiring necessary skills and learnings. Once the unnecessary pressure is gone, the journey begins to seem less overwhelming.

The reality is empowering and hopeful.

The real process puts you in charge. It makes it clear that it’s your actions that move you forward. It emphasizes that progress is attainable only through persistent attempts and learning.

Your part is simple and clear: as long as you attempt and learn from those attempts, progress is being made. With consistent progress, without a doubt, the destination will be reached eventually. Hope is ever-present. All you need is not to give up and keep on trying and learning.

Make Addiction a Choice

Most of us develop dependencies on certain substances or behaviors in the early years of our lives—teens, twenties, maybe early thirties.

Given this, it's likely you've never been an adult who doesn't depend on addictions for everyday functioning.

In other words, you’re a complete stranger to your non-addict self and a newbie at navigating life addiction-free.

So, please, set your expectations accordingly and allow yourself the compassion you’d offer to anyone who is trying their best to establish a presence in an entirely unknown territory.

The Journey

Addicted:

You’re not a big fan of yourself or your lifestyle, but you’ve become comfortable with them. The challenges and pain are predictable; you know how to orient yourself and navigate life. Though you suspect your life could be much healthier and happier, the current setting is 'not that bad'—at least it’s familiar.

Overcoming addiction:

You feel disoriented. What were you even doing when you were not... [your addiction]? How do people motivate themselves, really? How do they deal with unpleasant emotions and uncomfortable situations? You feel like a complete rookie at being an adult human being. You don’t know who you are anymore. But, you're making progress. You're surprising yourself with things you can do. It’s humbling to witness your true capabilities. Even though it’s challenging, it’s rewarding to be on this transformative journey.

Addiction-free:

You’ve made it. Though you miss some parts of your former self and lifestyle, you feel grateful that they are only memories of the past and not the realities of the present. You have a newfound self-image, and you're learning to navigate life differently. Your relationship with yourself has improved drastically. You feel stronger than before and trust yourself a lot more.

In light of this…

If you’ve never experienced adulthood addiction-free, addiction has not come to your life as a result of executive decision-making. In other words, you have never chosen life with addiction as a fully-developed human being.

Now, however, it’s your chance to make an informed decision. But to do so, you have to have experienced the alternative.

Commit to going through the journey described above and knowing a life addiction-free. If you don’t like what you end up with, you can always turn back to your previous life settings. But, this time, it would be a choice—not a mere circumstance you’ve found yourself in.

Trying vs. Aspiring

“I’ve been trying to quit smoking for five years already. I’m scared that it will never happen,” the same client told me.

I encouraged him to re-assess, “Oh, really? Have you been trying to quit smoking for five years? Because trying looks like these last couple of weeks: attempting to stop smoking, smoking, re-attempting to stop smoking, smoking…”

After a brief silence, he rephrased, “I’ve been wanting to quit smoking for five years.”

If there are no attempts, learnings, and setbacks, you’re not trying, you’re merely aspiring. Mind the gap since it can literally be life-saving.

Questions to Reflect On

Reflect on the questions below one at a time, following the order provided. For an even more impactful experience, consider writing your reflections by hand on paper.

#1 What does your addiction provide you that you need or crave so much?

#2 What else could offer what your addiction provides you?

#3 In what ways would your non-addict self be different than your current self?

#4 In what ways would your non-addict life be different than your current life?

#5 Why are you choosing your current life over a life addiction-free?

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