When lost in some aspects of life, most of us tend to look outward to find answers to our struggles—reading books, listening to ones who have succeeded in that particular area of life, enrolling in courses, attending workshops, and so on. Though these efforts can offer us a wall to lean our ladder against and create a sense of relief, it doesn’t necessarily mean we commit to the right wall to climb for ourselves.

The consequences of striving for a destination that doesn’t align with our true needs and intentions can be deeply unsettling—especially, once the destination is reached. The disappointment and dissatisfaction of the arrival can lead the person to despair, meaninglessness, loss, regret, self-blame, and shame. Some people experience severe depression despite having climbed the wall they had long strived for.

That being said, I am not suggesting that we should avoid looking outward entirely. What I believe yields effective and sustainable results is starting the exploration process by looking inward—at least incorporating it into the process. This way we assess whether the external knowledge and wisdom we gather align with our values, needs, and desires, rather than blindly pursuing an ideal.

Looking inward can be done by engaging in activities such as self-reflecting through self-talk and/or journaling, having honest conversations with trusted others, or doing meditations. 

By combining looking inward with looking outward, you will more likely commit to the right wall by using the right ladder for you. As a result, unlike disappointment and dissatisfaction, you feel accomplished and proud once you reach the end of your climb.

To illustrate, let’s explore examples drawn from real-life stories:

🌵 Nomad Lifestyle
Naomi believes the traveler lifestyle will make her happy based on what she sees and hears on social media. Without much personal reflection, she decides to go for it. She works hard to switch to a career that allows her to travel extensively. She ends up breaking up with her partner due to misaligned life expectations. However, after experiencing the nomad lifestyle for a while, she realizes that she's a cat-like person who enjoys bonding with her living space and growing roots in one place. What's more, she despises what she does for work and regrets ending her loving relationship. She realizes the wall she climbed, adopting a traveling lifestyle, though still very cool, is not right for her. Perhaps she had to go through such an experience to understand this; however, she likely could have gained valuable insights into her genuine intentions and needs and made more aligned life changes by incorporating inward looking into the process.

🌵 Millionaire
Margaret believes being a millionaire is what will make her worthy, respected, and seen. She does whatever it takes to make more money. She dedicates all her time and energy to work. She cuts off all distractions, including social life and her time with family and friends. She says no to almost all activities not related to work or personal growth. After years of hard work and dedication, she becomes a millionaire, as she has always dreamed. However, she feels miserable. She has never started a family of her own; she doesn’t have friends; she has never invested enough time to establish any hobbies; she doesn’t know what to do with all the time she has now that she doesn’t need to ‘hustle’ anymore. She feels alone, lost, and depressed. Due to her age and state, some things are challenging to recover. If she were to make time to ask herself bigger and deeper questions along the way, both the process and the outcome might have looked and felt differently. In this case, despite committing to the right wall, perhaps she chose the wrong ladder. A 100-step ladder, instead of a 10-step one, may have allowed her to make time for all aspects of life and build not only financially but thoroughly a rich life.

🌵 Beauty
Bella believes her small breasts are what hold her back from having a good-looking body. She invests a considerable amount of money in surgery and goes under the knife to get breast implants. Now, she has large breasts, but she doesn’t like them at all. She has always been an active person who loves working out, but now, she feels like her breasts get in her way. Pull-ups and push-ups feel weird because she’s not used to having a larger volume on her chest. They make her too self-conscious when she runs or jumps. She doesn’t like it when they draw attention; in fact, she consistently hunches her back to hide them. In addition, she suspects she may be suffering from Breast Implant Illness (BII) because of some energy, skin, and digestion issues she experiences. She decides the implants are not working for her. She now pays more money and goes under the knife to have them removed so that she can return to the body she’s used to. Maybe she had to go through such an experience to understand this; but likely, she could have gained helpful insights into where her priorities reside by incorporating inward reflection into her decision-making process.

Practical Takeaways

As illustrated in the examples, achieving results misaligned with your genuine needs and intentions can cost you peace, health, relationships, and more. For this reason, whatever significant decision you try to make, take the time to reflect. Consistent and honest self-reflection helps you choose the right ladder to climb the right wall.

How to self-reflect?

Let me introduce you to the self-reflection practices I often do: journaling, meditation, and having conversations.

Journaling
Journaling is a great way to gather insights into your inner world, articulate things on a more grounded level, and gain a broader perspective on life’s happenings.

My favorite ways to journal are [1] stream-of-consciousness writing, as if you’re pouring your mind, heart, and soul onto paper without much thinking, and [2] reflective journaling, focusing on a particular topic with the help of a journaling prompt or prompts. These two can also be combined: here is an example of how I do it.

I also have a free journaling program for those who want to change what they do for work but don’t know which direction to take: 7-Day to Professional Clarity.

Meditation
Meditation is a profound resource of wisdom and guidance that is accessible to us at all times. I believe the ability to meditate is one of the greatest gifts to humankind, and therefore, it’s worth investing time and effort in building a practice.

There are many forms of meditation, including mindfulness, focused, movement, mantra, body scan, visualization, and more.

I find mindfulness meditation very helpful when I feel stressed, fearful, or overwhelmed. It helped me stop my anxiety attacks several times by now. I consider it an amazing tool in my toolbox for regulating my nervous system and returning to my sense of self.

Body scan, also called progressive relaxation or yoga nidra, is a simple but effective way to quiet the mind and calm the body. I often practice this type of meditation at the end of my yoga practice in the Savasana position.

What I call ‘insight’ meditation is my go-to when I need insight and guidance within a particular topic. Similar to journaling, it includes raising a question followed by careful observation. I wrote more about this form of meditation in this blog post.

I also love visualization meditation for its remarkable ability to transform the mental-emotional states of practitioners and propel them toward realizing their aspirations. I recently published such a meditation on YouTube. Join me!

Encouraged by the benefits of meditation in my own life and in the lives of those I coach, I now offer private meditation sessions. If you’re interested in private meditations with me, please reply to this email by introducing yourself briefly and sharing what you would like to work on through meditations.

Having conversations
Having honest conversations with trusted people who challenge you when needed, or collaborating with therapists or life coaches—I’m here to help—can significantly deepen your self-understanding and enable you to make more informed decisions.

Friendly Reminder

#1 If you’re interested in private meditations with me, please write me here or book a free consultation call with me now.

#2 If you haven’t already, subscribe to the HELPFUL & FABULOUS newsletter now so that from time to time, I can show up in your inbox with helpful insights like this one!

#3 If you have any questions or want to share your thoughts, leave a comment below!

Some of my blog posts you may find interesting:

¹  “The Power of Meditation”
How meditation helped me with my career, health, and more...

²  “‘What Is Even Purpose?’ I asked.”
An edited version of my journal entry on March 28, 2024, exploring the concepts of purpose and meaning.

³  “Loved the Wrong Way”
A journey of breaking free from dysfunctional relationship patterns and relearning how to love and be loved unconditionally.